people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The uberlube is also flammable
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
