dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Your penis caused this!
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