Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
porn star boner night. come get it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
