Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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