Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
