I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
