I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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