respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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