I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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