my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
