Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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