you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
