he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
