everyone is single if you try hard enough
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
