This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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