I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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