He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
