A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
