i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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