Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
