I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I got inside last night via doggy door
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
