Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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