just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
