thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
