Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
