I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
