So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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