Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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