Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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