He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
