...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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