his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
