Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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