my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
