theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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