life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
