OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
