wakey wakey hands off snakey
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
