Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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