i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
