he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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