walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
