I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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