and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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