In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
