he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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