a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
