I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
