It was confusing and full of hummus
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
