I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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