Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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