We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
