god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
