I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
