This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
