I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
